Halitosis Ain't No Thang

From the early days of puberty, I developed a complex. You know that awkward stage that everyone goes through when your body's just starting to get used to itself? You sweat bullets for no reason, your feet stink, and your breath smells immediately after you brush your teeth. No? Was that just me?

To combat the odd and sometimes offensive odors that would emit from my 84-pound body, I became obsessed with things that smelled good. I'd spend hours in the deodorant aisle choosing the strongest and most pleasant scent I could find. I would shower multiple times a day using only the sweetest-smelling body soap. I bought odor-eaters. And more importantly, I chewed obscene amounts of gum.

But, oh! the days of middle school when chewing gum in class was as offensive as hiding vodka in your backpack. I'm unable to count the days I spent in detention for forgetting to keep the rubbery goodness at the roof of my mouth. I wasn't the one sticking it under the desks; I wasn't the one throwing it in my classmate's hair, so why should I be punished for it?

So this is in revolt of all the times I got detention for chewing gum in class. I now have a gum drawer! To all of my colleagues and friends: rebel with me! Chew that glorious gum until your jaws are sore and your tongue is raw. And if you don't have gum, come feast on mine. You won't be disappointed. I've got a flavor for everyone.


Get a load of this Mrs. Rickus: We're chewing gum ... at work!!!